Talk of the Toile – Sort Of

I’ve wanted to be a writer for a long time, maybe since I started journal writing in 1974.  I have style guides and writing books; I have friends and family who encourage me.  These friends and family have also given me writing books.

Now I’m writing this blog, sometimes about gardening and sometimes about decorator show houses and life.  I cannot tell a lie; I do occasionally look at my blog stats to monitor my blog traffic and see how many people read my posts.  I am often disappointed.  I think about giving up.  On one such disappointing day, I decided to read the writing book my friend Audra gave me.  This book, written by two freelance writers, suggested that there were unconventional ways to succeed at writing.  In fact, in the acknowledgements, one of the authors thanked the other author for teaching her how to stick the slang word for buttocks into every article.  Apparently, using the slang word for buttocks is the key to writing success.

No wonder my blog stats are disappointing.  I’ve never once used the slang word for buttocks in any of my blog posts.  It’s not a word I like to use.  Sure, I will occasionally say something like “Bobby Valentine is a buttocks” or “that bag of garbage smells like buttocks” but for the most part, I confine my profane outbursts to the solitude of the Jeep, the Coop, or walking along the flight line at lunch with Cherie Ripperton.

I’m not going to use the slang word for buttocks in a blog post just to increase my traffic.

I do have a funny story, though, about breaking wind(ows).

Wednesday being the first day of August, the new month and all, I decided to make two “resolutions.”  First, I was not going to eat in my car.  Period.  Second, I was going to “be positive” every day no matter how many disappointing and uncontrollable things happened.  I even contemplated writing a blog post about these resolutions; I might not have a huge following, but I do feel committed to those who read what I write.  If I tell my readers I’m going to do X and Y, I do it.  For instance, I publicly broke up with Lago’s Ice Cream at the end of June and I’ve stuck with it since that day.  I have been tempted to stop at Lago’s on more than one occasion, but I haven’t done it because I said I wouldn’t.  If I did stop, that would make me a liar and a backslider.

That won’t do.

Yesterday, I was working hard at “being positive” and I even developed a little acronym I texted to Cherie Ripperton.

P 4 +

“P” is for “positive.”

Get it?  She got it, eventually.

It was a good start and mid-morning, I decided to take an energizing skip up the 3 flights of stairs in our building.  The top floor of the building is vacant and the ladies room is very clean; it’s my public bathroom of choice.  Running up a few flights of stairs for a bio-break is a refreshing way to take care of business.  It’s very positive.

On this particular occasion, I passed an underwriter I knew on the stairs and we swapped faux pleasantries.  He said “it’s a new month” and I said “yes, you’re right!  It’s a good day to be positive!”

He smiled as he went down the stairs and I gave him the thumbs up as I went up the stairs.

Reaching the ladies room, I smiled to myself, thinking “wow, maybe Norman Vincent Peale was right!  There is power in positive thinking.”  I pushed open the door and heard the most unpleasant sound.  It was the sound of someone’s slang word for buttocks breaking wind(ows).


I was mortified and embarrassed.  Then I thought “this might be a funny blog post” and “maybe I can use the slang word for buttocks and improve my blog stats.”  It was hard not to laugh out loud, so I turned on the water and quickly washed my hands so the wind(ow) breaker didn’t hear me.  Then I left the ladies room and laughed all the way down the stairs.

I’ve now written a blog post including the slang word for buttocks.  I’m sure my blog stats will skyrocket, my blog will go viral, and I’ll become an overnight sensation.  And even a person who doesn’t like bathroom humor will have to admit that I turned an odd situation into something positive and that is the power of positive thinking.

Just remember:  P 4 +

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4 Responses to Talk of the Toile – Sort Of

  1. Cherie Ripperton says:

    Laughed my Buttocks off….

  2. faye says:

    do you want ‘high class ‘readers with half a brain, or do you want to attract a bunch of ‘buttocksholes’? think about it

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