The Conundrum

February came and went; we even had an extra leap year day.  I sat down last night and tried to write a February blog post about the benefits of “getting outside” every single day.  For 60 consecutive days, I have walked, snowshoed, hiked, trudged, and explored the natural world around me.  It has been immensely enjoyable during the actual hours of being outside.  But it has not created peace and calm within me, I am not sleeping more soundly, and I am still mired in the midst of a life conundrum.

This act of going outside every day has changed me, somehow.  I look at my watch at the middle of the day and I want out.  I crave the silence of the woods and trees.  It seems almost unbelievable in reflection that I am this person walking around in the forest every day.  When I first started this endeavor, I considered a walk around town to adequately meet the requirements of “getting outside.”

Now, after spending a late afternoon hiking through the snow and woods of our family property, sitting in a tree stand 30 feet in the air, or watching a moon sliver rise, walking about town seems boring and less than satisfying.

God's Fingernail

How did I become this “wild woman?”  Is this my true self?  My best self?  I have spent the majority of my adult life working in an intellectual sweatshop, removed from the natural world.  I have enjoyed cities and shopping and an economically appropriate number of first world acquisitions.  Yet here I sit, dissatisfied, anxious, and overwhelmed.

Where do I go with this new love and passion?  Is this the “real me?”

They say reinvention is an arduous task, not for the meek.  If money or time were no object, I would throw off the many things that are hindering me right now and run with great speed and endurance towards these new love and passions.  I would QUIT these “busy projects” that clutter my mind.  I would not back down when I’m asked to reconsider staying with a busy project for just a few more months.  My “no” would mean “no.”  The busy “projects” currently cluttering my mind are not my passions; I do not want them to define me.

I don’t want them eating, locust-like, at my spirit.

Waiting for revelation and working towards conundrum resolution is hard work.  I am impatient; yet I want to believe everything is happening for a reason.  One of my spiritual readings says “all is happening according to plan.  Have patience and feel grateful while you wait.”

I will consider this.  Thank you.

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