Something’s Not Right

Sometimes I type fast.  Most of the time, actually.  But my netbook is old and slow and I’ve not successfully replaced it with something better.

It acts up, it slows down.  I keep typing fast.  Sometimes, the great eyes of Dr. T.J. Eckleburg (as I like to affectionately call Google and all its dominion) look down on me and with a scowl, tell me:

“Something’s not right.”

Indeed, something’s not right.

order-redux

I had a long essay planned about virtue signalling, The Bell Jar, and why I’m never going to write a novel of fiction.  But it’s Thanksgiving and I dislike the holiday.  I wonder if I ever blogged anything to the contrary?  No, I don’t think I have, although I’ve blogged prolifically about Thanksgiving in general.

The truth?  I don’t like it.  But I’m not going to loosen my dirty diaper’s safety-pin and empty that shice on you.  Because it’s Thanksgiving.

I’ve got plenty to be thankful for.

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Counting Candles

Handy’s father, Marcel, turns 98 today.  We celebrated his birthday yesterday; five of Handy’s six siblings were there.  (His youngest brother lives in California and couldn’t make it.)

happy-birthday-marcel

Marcel was born just after the first world war ended, he joined the army in 1943, and landed at Omaha beach two days after the initial assault.

He got home from Europe on November 12, 1945 and got married 12 days later.  The rest?  Family history.

Many happy returns of the day, Marcel!

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Red Leaf Lettuce

The other day, I got an e-mail from my friend Shelley.  She asked if I’d ever blogged about The Christmas Tree Shops and the mother lode of junk they sell.  I scratched my head.  I knew I’d blogged about it before, but what did I call the post?  Did I tag it with the words “Christmas Tree Shops?”

I told her I would see what I could do, but I had a “customer complaint” letter to write to some regional lettuce peddler who shall not be named.  I’d bought a bag of their “Spring Mix” and the red leaf lettuce had gone bad and junked up the whole purchase.  Into the compost bin it went after only two days.  I tried to pick the rotting pieces off from the good, believe me, but it was nigh impossible.

This will be the second “customer complaint” letter I’ve written to a peddler selling lettuce in bags and boxes.  The first one was done via the web, so I don’t have a copy of it.  Why do I even buy lettuce in the grocery store?  I ought to know better by now.

Like the fateful day I took a trip to a Christmas Tree Shop, I got what I deserved.

That link will take you to the blog post I wrote about the Christmas Tree Shop and a whole discourse on shopping.

Maybe I should write a complaint letter to myself.  It’s not easy finding things on this blog; it doesn’t look “professional” either.  I’ve done some fiddling around with the widgets and the settings, but it always looks “homemade” to me.  Maybe it’s because I’m old and impatient and don’t have the time to spend a whole weekend sitting in front of a computer.

the-geraniums

Here are my screen porch geraniums, transplanted to the kitchen window for the winter.  I have no complaints about them.

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Broken Celery Stalks

Last Monday, I broke my vintage celery stalk spoon rest.  I’d had it for a long, long time; from at least the early 90’s when you could find mid-century domestic pottery at church bazaars and holiday craft fairs.

I was devastated.

I put the four pieces of pottery in a bag and stuck it in my desk until I could think clearly about the next steps.  I had to write my bagel article, work at the polls, and then do five days of work in three.

On Saturday, I snuck over to the Cabot Mill Antique Mall and the adjacent flea market.

“Do you have a celery stalk spoon rest in your collection,” I sheepishly asked booth proprietors.

“Did you break one?” they’d ask.

“Yes.”

“No.”

Finally, on Saturday night I broke down and asked Handy to glue it back together.  Back in business again and I’m sure I’ll find one in my travels.  Then I’ll have two, but you know what they say.  Two is one and one is none.

I’ll leave you with a wonderful song about celery stalks, written by trombonist Will Bradley and first recorded in 1940.  The original version is very good, but I liked this Lawrence Welk version with Mr. Wunnerful cutting up the rug.

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Vintage Voters

I worked my first presidential election on Tuesday.  It was a long day; my fellow poll workers and I arrived at 6:15 a.m. and stayed until the town clerk transmitted the final vote counts to state election officials at 11:45 p.m.

Steady.  Voting was steady.  I checked off voters whose last names began with “H” through “K.”  One of the “J” voters made my day.

i-like-ikeIt was a genuine article, from Ike’s 1956 campaign.  Any Eisenhower voters would be at least 70 years old by now.

You know what they say…the past is another country.

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Be Gone!

There is a story in Greek mythology of a king.  King Augeas was famous for his stables full of cattle.  You might say he was the “cattle baron” of his mythological time.

Oddly enough, for a king with a wealth of cattle, he didn’t care much about the cleanliness of his stables.  He never cleaned them.  Demolition by neglect, I guess.  Mythological legend has it that his 3,000 cattle crapped up the stables for years and years.  Can you imagine?  One can only hope they were free range cattle and were pastured far from the stables during the day, to walk around a little and shake the dung from their feet.

The task of cleaning the Augean stables fell to Hercules and he was able to clean them by diverting two rivers to wash away the accreted matter.

be-gone

A few months ago, I bought a new toilet from a plumbing distributor, F.W. Webb.  Nothing fancy, but a tiny step above the thrones sold in big box stores.  I asked for cleaning advice and was told to use Dawn dish soap on both the bowl and the tank.  Washing the inside of the toilet tank apparently keeps residue from building up around the flapper.

Prior to my visit to F.W. Webb, I’d never bought Dawn dish soap.  Since then, I’ve used it to clean my toilet, my bathroom sinks, and my tub.  I think it works well, it doesn’t scratch, and my bathroom cleaning regimen is much simpler.

The 2016 U.S. election cycle has been dirty.  As I look back over the weeks and months of it and think about the collective national conversation we’ve experienced through media, I feel like I’ve been in the Augean stables.  The Dawn dish detergent has kept my bathrooms clean, but my mind and spirit are soiled with the accumulated dung of this campaign.  I wish I could wash my brain out with a detergent.  That’s the kind of brainwashing I’d be interested in.

Calling Hercules…

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The X of Time

In January of this year, one of my “resolutions” was to read twice as much as I read in 2015.  It wouldn’t be hard, really, since I only read 12 books in 2015.  But reading requires time; there is an algebra equation to be solved, with the “X” being the speed one can read and comprehend the words on the page.  Or maybe “X” is just time itself, chopped into little bits and applied to one thing and another.

My high school may have had a speed reading class, but I could be wrong.  If there was, I didn’t take it.  Controversy still exists as to whether speed reading is truly reading or skimming; how fast can one read and still comprehend?

And if a book is not wonderful, does reading it faster make it better?

Having just finished reading a well-written and enjoyable book of historical fiction, I’m now reading something else.  The Fires of Autumn by Helen Howe, was in a “fall reading” display at the local library.  With the word “autumn” in the title and a foliage-littered dust jacket, this book from another time had somehow escaped purging to the annual library book sale.  It was written in 1959 and takes place in the fictional Maine town of Cranford, somewhere near Bar Harbor.  A gaggle of summer gals, aging widows, decide to stick around after Labor Day.  The fall shadows stir up more than cocktails as they sit in front of their cozy fires.  Long kept secrets are revealed and scandals illuminated by the fire light.  I couldn’t help but wonder if the author was influenced to write this book by the wild success of Peyton Place, published four years earlier in 1956

The author had a summer house in Somesville.  The dust jacket says she was a “member of a distinguished literary family, she turned easily to writing, but first she had a full and busy career as a professional monologist.”

Helen Howe doesn’t have a Wikipedia entry but her papers lie in repose at Harvard’s Schlesinger Library.  The Bar Harbor Historical Society probably has some newspaper clippings about her, too.  Maybe she gave a summer book signing.  It would be interesting to read her papers, or maybe skim them.

There are so many stories out there waiting to be written.  But they’re not always within easy reach.  Solving for that X of time always reveals how little there is at the end of the day.  Helen Howe and the scandals of Somesville will have to wait; I’m on deadline now to write a feature about bagels for the local paper.

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Healthy Halloween!

It’s hard for me to believe this is my third Halloween here at the old white house.

healthy-halloweenNo pumpkins this year and no chocolate, either.  I’m handing out three different types of “energy bars.”

The leftovers will be more useful.

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Playing Hooky

The other day, while using the internet, I saw this:

“Quick!  Name the last time you played hooky.  If you can’t remember, you’re probably overdue.”

Insert annoyed groaning sound here.  I can’t quickly remember the last time I played “hooky.”  Not from work, at least.  It may have been after “senior skip day” in high school and before I started working for a small Portland company in 1986.  As I think back, I’d date my “hooky” period to the four years of college; I was there on my own dime and none of my professors cared about my truancy.  Still, in dreams I often drift back to the University of Maine and find myself wandering around campus with a cup of coffee, wondering how I will complete a final exam for a class I’ve never attended.  Yet another one of those dreams where I wake up screaming.

The internet…a place of useless sentences leading to nothingness and hooky.  Technology writer Nicholas Carr speculated in a 2008 Atlantic essay that Google was making us stupid and when I find myself pondering the last time I played hooky, I can’t help wondering if he is on to something.

In other news, Donald Trump is coming to Lisbon tomorrow.  The location surprised me; I wonder how he and his entourage will travel to the spot.  Will they pilot Trump-force One into the former Brunswick Naval Air Station and travel by motorcade along Route 196?  That would be the route President Johnson took on Saturday, August 20, 1966 when he was touring the Northeast, peddling his “Great Society” domestic programs.  My father says we all went down to watch the motorcade go by.  According to newspaper reports, 12,000 people assembled around the Kennedy Park bandstand in Lewiston to listen to president’s speech.  Over fifty years ago, LBJ promised to eliminate poverty and racial injustice with the “Great Society” initiative.

As you watch and listen to the ads in the remaining days of this hideous horse race and hear the promises of improved this and better that, just remember there is nothing new under the sun.  Every politician makes glorious promises which never come true.

Every single one of them.

Here’s a snapshot of what a motorcade along Route 196 will pass.

harvest-moonI may be cynical, but I’m not playing hooky today.

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Like an Accordian

I fell asleep on the couch last night, folded up like an accordion while reading.  My library book, Kenneth Roberts’ Arundel, is due on Wednesday.

The book takes place primarily in October, 1775 with winter suddenly folding into history’s autumn scenes.

autumn-alleI took that picture on October 16 and although there is still quite a bit of color holding on everywhere, this week’s blessed rain prompted a shower of leaves.  Yesterday, I saw the river through the trees in the back yard.

Another sign of winter folding in.

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