The Cynical Cup

Over the summer, a local construction company built a new drive-through coffee shop in town.  When construction first began, I was excited because I believe my little town needs a coffee shop.  I was familiar with the coming attraction from visiting a few of their locations in New Hampshire.  My impression of the business was that it was a small, family owned business.

Construction continued and I remained optimistic.  I learned the location would not have any interior seating, but there would be a “walk-up” window.  It wasn’t going to be a “hang out” kind of coffee shop, like Monk’s Café in Seinfeld.  OK.  I walk to the post office on my lunch break, so I could stop in for a cup of coffee in my travels.

Given my passion for coffee and walking, I sent a blind e-mail to the company’s website and introduced myself.  I explained I loved coffee and I blogged about my small-town life.  I expressed an interest in being their first “walk-up” customer.

I got a prompt reply, but the opening date wasn’t secured.  Check back in a month.

One sunny afternoon, on my walk to the post office, I saw a thirty-something man inspecting the building.  He looked like he was waiting for someone.  I introduced myself and learned he owned a similar coffee shop in a town west of here.  I asked him a few questions and during our random conversation I heard the words “Subway” and “franchise.”

Not that there’s anything wrong with Subways and franchises.

I may have misunderstood, so I went home and clicked around the internet.  I found an article that talked about this same coffee shop opening up a location in another town.  The man who owned the coffee shop also owned a Subway.  Then I looked through the coffee shop’s website, digging deeply into section 3 of their privacy policy, under the heading “Consent to International Data Transfers.”  Here it said “…may disclose and transfer your information worldwide, including in and outside the United States, the European Economic Area, Canada, and other jurisdictions serviced by the SUBWAY® Group, for any purpose relating to…”

Not that there’s anything wrong with Subways and franchises.  After all, Subway once advertised that their sandwiches, combined with exercise, helped Jared Fogle lose weight.  Subway also advertises other upbeat and positive things on their website.

No, there is nothing wrong with Subways and franchise arrangements and advertising.  I’ll have to do more research on whether this particular “local” situation is going to be my cup of coffee.

It’s all good.  Drink it up.

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Caroline and Freddie

I’ve written a little bit about my college dormitory experiences.  Just a little bit.  I went to the University of Maine at Orono in the early 1980’s and for most of my college years, I lived in an “all girl’s dorm” called Androscoggin Hall.  Until I joined the Junior League of Boston in 2001, it was the closest thing I ever experienced to a sorority.  Home to approximately 270 women, Androscoggin Hall offered no end to drama, parties, and gossip.

And friendships, of course.

It was such a long time ago and since I’m no longer living in a dormitory-sized space, it seemed proper that I host a reunion for a smallish group of women of Androscoggin Hall.  The WOAH, for acronym-lovers.

As I skim over the University of Maine’s “Residential Life” web pages, dorm life seems much the same as it was in the 1980’s.  Staffing hierarchies, a healthy calendar of activities, and a digital handbook of policies and procedures assure students an inspiring campus living experience.  Study lounges, security cameras, flat screen Tee Vee’s, bicycle storage, and of course the reminder that residence halls are “no place for hate.”

There is a brief section on property management and custodial services, but I don’t see any mention of Caroline and Freddie.

Caroline was one of the two housekeepers responsible for the cleanliness of the dorm.  She was a petite woman–black hair with a few flecks of gray.  Being in my early 20’s, I thought everyone in their 40’s were in their 60’s and I thought Caroline was at least old enough to be my mother, but I could have been wrong. Friendly, caring, and polite, she’d show up several mornings a week to clean the bathrooms, vacuum the common areas, and collect the trash. Sometimes, if my roommate had a freshly perked pot of coffee, she’d invite Caroline to take a break and have a cup.  Maybe they’d smoke a cigarette together.

Freddie was the maintenance man, quietly moving about the dorm’s ground floor keeping us safe and cozily warm.  He had an office near the laundry room, but he was usually busy fixing doors, locks, and furnaces.

Immaculata

Dormitory life was different, more industrial and sparse, and there were only so many ways a 12’ by 16’ space could be furnished and arranged.  Long, dimly lit corridors and a short rows of toilet and shower stalls sometimes made me miss the familiar spaces of home.  Thank goodness we had Caroline and Freddie around to make things seem a little less like a third-rate hotel.

I’d better put on my apron and make like Caroline today.  Get busy cleaning because the WOAH are coming tomorrow.

Immaculata!

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A Thousand New Signs

Unofficially, October 1 is the day candidates put up their signs in an election year.  A new real estate agent has put up a sign on an old foreclosure.

A Thousand New SignsA thousand new signs.

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Charlie Smith and the Man in the Moon

The Maine weather was spectacular this weekend. Eighty degrees here and warmer in other places. Clear and dry, too. I regretfully ate the last cantaloupes I grew this summer.

CantaloupesUncle Bob and I pulled up the spent sunflowers and dug up the remaining half-row of potatoes. I had gone over to borrow his tree pruner, but it seemed impolite to borrow and run, so I helped with the sunflowers and the potatoes. He had already pulled up the tomatoes and put away the rain barrels earlier in September with no help from me.

After we went to the transfer station with the sunflowers, we brushed the dirt off the potatoes and admired the harvest. Almost a bushel. Then Uncle Bob said “today’s haying weather. I’ll bet Charlie Smith is mowing today.”

I don’t know Charlie Smith personally, but his family has lived in the well-kept farmhouse on outer Main Street for a long time. The Smith family own several hay fields on the way out of town, too.

Hearing the word “mowing,” I knew I had already spent more than my allotted time on Pleasant Street. I threw the tree pruner in the back of the Jeep and hurried back to my house. I dragged the lawn mower out of the garage and emptied the clipping bag. I made sure it was gassed up. Then I pulled the starter cord and the damn thing roared to life.

***

When I first moved into this house, I looked forward to mowing the lawn. I foolishly thought I might be able to mow with a manual push reel mower, but I quickly discovered I would need a little more than my own power to tame the lawn. The first time I mowed, I borrowed my father’s push mower and it was an enjoyable lawn mowing experience. Reggie suggested I hire someone to mow for me, but I said ‘no.” Mowing the lawn is good exercise and although the yard is pretty large, it has a gentle slope in the back. Pushing a mower up that grade would be manageable and except for the steep incline next to the porch, it was a completely do-able home maintenance duty.

Then I got a self-propelled lawn demon.

It was heavy and temperamental and if I didn’t empty the bag at the instant it filled up, the rear belt would lock up and it wouldn’t “self-propel.” It would start making a high-pitched squeal and I’d have to stop mowing, empty the bag and also unclog the belt. Briefly satisfied, the mower would drag me across the yard with a speed all its own. Trying to turn corners with that old hog was killing my knees and sometimes I wondered if it was trying to pull me over the drop off in the backyard.

After one mowing session, my dreams of idyllic summer lawn mowing work-outs quickly turned into dread and anxiety. When my friend Alan mowed my lawn as a house-warming gift, I decided to engage his services instead of mowing the lawn myself.

I felt guilty and I felt like a failure. When I would hear the Helen Reddy anthem “I am woman, hear me roar,” I would think to myself “I’ll bet Helen Reddy doesn’t have a self-propelled lawn mower.” It didn’t matter; as one of my funny friends might say, I hated that mower with the white-hot intensity of 1,000 burning suns.

By the middle of August, the 1,000 burning suns had shifted in the sky and the grass stopped growing so fast. I told Alan I was going to try mowing the lawn myself again. I lowered the height setting and scalped it, but little had changed with the mower’s handling. I had changed, though, and I practiced various affirmations to make the task manageable. I repeated phrases like “I am at peace with the lawn mower,” and “pleasant thoughts wash over me while I’m mowing.” Sometimes, I was more straightforward. “God, help me finish mowing the lawn without getting hurt.”

***

This past sunny Saturday, I decided to mow only the small portion of lawn visible to the neighbors and then on Sunday, mow the rest of the lawn. I started with the small patch next to the driveway and then the steep incline by the porch, the “suicide slope.” I ran the mower at the slowest possible speed and inched it diagonally across the slope. After a variety of contortions and gyrations, the slope was done and so was I.

Around 10:30 a.m. on Sunday, I started on the backyard. History quickly repeated itself and I found myself in the lower half of my lawn with a dead mower at the end of a long mowed strip. I pushed that dead weight blankety-blank back into the garage and texted Alan.

“Do you have time to mow for me this week?”

He did.

“You can have my lawn mower, too. I’ll pay you to take that piece of BLEEP.”

Around 6:00 p.m., Alan drove up and I thought he was going to mow the lawn with his professional riding lawn mower. Instead, he unloaded a cute little mower and said “Try this one out.”

Why, it was light as a feather! And I didn’t have to engage the self-propel feature if I didn’t want to. It was like an old-timey lawn mower, the kind I remembered using when I had my little lawn mowing business all those years ago. Alan stayed until I waved him off and I set out for the place where the demon mower had stranded me earlier in the afternoon. Dusk was dropping in; the day’s light was dimming. I was walking at my usual brisk pace, mowing the lawn. Here it was–the enjoyable experience I had been searching for all summer. No frustration and no angry thoughts of driving the mower over the drop off. No affirmations. This is how farmers must feel on a beautiful, dry day like today as they hay their fields by the light of the moon.

As I took the last few passes at the lawn, I looked up in the sky and saw the shiny silver sliver of a rising crescent moon. I turned the mower off and waved up at the man in the moon.

“If you’re out there mowing tonight, Charlie Smith, good night to you too!”

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Pass Me a Chocolate, Quick!

On Monday, September 22, 2014, President Barack Obama authorized an airstrike against Sunni militants in Syria.  The New York Times reported the United States and her allies were “unleashing a torrent of cruise missiles and precision-guided bombs.”  Included in this glittering disco ball of firepower and noise were “American fighter jets and armed Predator and Reaper drones, flying alongside warplanes from several Arab allies…”

The next day, Tuesday, September 23, 2014, the President and his entourage loaded up Air Force One and headed to New York City. Poor David Patrick Columbia dared not venture out of his Manhattan neighborhood because of all the traffic congestion created by the President’s visit to the United Nations Climate Summit.  There were also many thousands of protesters in the city, including my nephew.

The Baumer rode to the protest in a not-so-glamorous Megabus.

The President spoke eloquently, using big words and small, to explain how “nobody gets a pass” when it comes to combating climate change.

Meanwhile, back here in Moxie Town, I’d been feeling guilty about driving all the way to New Hampshire last Saturday to clean out and close my post office box in Rye Beach.  Does the President feel similarly guilty when he steps onto a jet or helicopter, considering the immense and exponential environmental weight of jet fuel versus, say, Jeep sneakers on pavement?

Adding to my green guilt, I wondered how I had gotten onto so many political mailing lists, as my post office box was jammed, jammed, jammed with flyers of all stripes.  I sorted through the billets.  I had questions.

“She’s STILL running for a New Hampshire state senate seat?

“Don’t they know I don’t live in New Hampshire anymore?”

“Who ghostwrites Carol Shea-Porter’s ‘Dear Friend’ Congressional update letters?”

Them againTo top off all these intellectual insults, I had not only one but two AARP membership applications.  For only $16 per year, I was eligible to receive many special gifts, including a FREE TRAVEL BAG!  Made of the finest imported petro-vinyl, this bag would enhance my membership in the prestigious organization and “make the most of life over 50.”

I overreacted.  I cut up the letter and my membership card and stuffed it into the return envelope, scribbling a few comments on the back.

FREE TRAVEL BAGThen I flipped it over.

Can you believe AARP doesn’t even send prospective members a postage paid envelope, the cheap BLEEPs?

Deciding the story would make a better blog post, I tossed the envelope into my dump pile.

As penance for my environmental excesses of the weekend, I walked everywhere I had to go on Tuesday.  A Prius zipped by me on my way to my parents’ house and I shouted after it “I’m greener than you!  Nobody gets a pass!”

On Wednesday, I paused briefly, wishing a silent birthday greeting to F. Scott Fitzgerald.  Old F. Scott didn’t even live long enough to get his FREE TRAVEL BAG, leaving the world before his glorious gin-fueled youth faded completely.  He was only 44.

Mulling all these things over on Thursday night, I was SHOCKED to read the Staten Island Zoo’s groundhog, Charlotte, died one week after squirming out of New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio’s arms on February 2, 2014.  Given my own rumbles with rodents, I read the story intently.  What baloney!  First, no groundhog dies by tumbling five feet.  Even if the animal fell directly on its head, it wouldn’t die.  And I can tell you that with certainty because the day I tackled the critter in my garden, it took more than one brick to bring the animal down even though I hit my target with the precision of a Tomahawk missile.  After all, I was a Mountain Valley Conference shot-put runner-up in high school and my aim is very good.  Yet…it took more than one brick.

Why Staten Island Charlotte’s death seven months ago is news today is the story I’m interested in.  And yet…it’s just another digital keystroke on the big Etch-a-Sketch of information.  Shake it up and it’s gone!

It’s been one of those weeks.  As I raise my world-weary head from the pillow this morning, I just want to shout out “pass me a chocolate, quick.”

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Patiently Waiting

Aroma Joe’s comes to Moxie Town…

Aroma Joe'sA “walk-up” window works for me.

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The Eternal Salvation of Mini-Blinds

When I moved from my chicken coop-sized condominium (aka The Coop) to a large apartment and then a larger house in my hometown, I made a decision. Despite my ever-increasing empire of space, I was not going to buy more new things if I didn’t have to. Any visitor to The Coop knew that my “spare bedroom” was actually another name for a jam-packed room of furniture, fabric, books, and cleaning supplies, as well as an Apocalypse closet in the sorry event of a nuclear disaster or other Eschaton.

Moving into my last and larger home, I decided I would “make do” with what I had and before I made any purchases, I would deliberate other options. How could I re-purpose what I already had? Was there anything my mother wanted to give me in her own quest to minimize her stuff? What things had I stuck up in Uncle Bob’s barn for the happy day when I returned home for good?

Slowly but surely, my new old house came alive with happy colorful discoveries. It’s been fun to open a storage box and say to myself “Aha! That’s where those 2 yards of Laura Ashley ‘Emma’ heavyweight cotton went!”

Scatter rugs have found their permanent homes along with candlesticks, wooden pineapples, and cut glass candy dishes.

One thing I always say to myself as I look at a bare corner or window, though, is “could this space be enhanced by cleaning?”

With a passion sure to drive any frowning feminist mad, I get out my rubber gloves, put on my apron and scrub, scrub, scrub. Sometimes, I even get down on my hands and knees and scrub my floors. I don’t find it demeaning in any way; I am becoming one with my house.

Clean is the new “new.”

The mini-blind, though, is one particular home good which has consumed inordinate cleaning time and leads me to question whether it was created by a cabal of inventors set on world domination of my time and money.

Searching for the inventor of window blinds on a Monday morning is the last thing anyone wants to do and since I’m not writing an investigative journalism piece on the topic, we’ll leave it up to Loosehead Prop to fill us in on the detailed history of the Egyptian invention. He will surely include a nod to the Venetians as well as a passing wink at the Neapolitans. Whoever created the original window treatment’s now-popular descendent, the “mini-blind,” surely didn’t have a busy but environmentally conscious American clean freak in mind when forming thin plastic slats in a research lab.

Alas, there are three schools of mini-blind cleansing, similar to schools on spiritual baptism. The “dunkers” or “full-immersion” cleaners believe the only way to drive all uncleanliness out of mini-blinds is to immerse them in a tub or vat of water, preferably full of a strong chemical cleaner.

Then, there are the “sprinklers.” Some suggest hanging the mini-blinds outside and “sprinkling” with the full force of a garden hose. Others prefer a lighter sprinkle, with a watering can of water or a spray bottle of a chemical cleaner.

These methods are too focused on “cleaning the outside of the cup” for me and I prefer to clean my mini-blinds slat by slat wearing old damp socks or a pair of gloves over my hands. It’s time-consuming and frustrating and yet, the monotony of it leaves my mind open for various other thoughts as I become one with my mini-blind. I get to know “the heart” of the matter.

Mini-BlindsThe alternative to any mini-blind baptism is, of course, the “baptism by fire.” If the mini-blinds are too much to handle, like clanging gongs of filth hanging from your windows, by all means, subject them to the pit of hell! Rip those dirty and dusty things off your windows and haul them to the dump where they’ll be incinerated and turned to dust.

Mon Dieu. Where has the time gone? I’m off to save a few more mini-blinds from eternal damnation!

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I’m Not Complaining

It’s been an interesting week here in Lisbon Falls.  No, no, no, my hometown is still wonderful and good things happen every day.  In fact, yesterday I had a trifecta of wonderful all during my lunchtime walk to the post office.

As I was turning the corner by the walking path, a runner jetted by me and said “Hello, Julie-Ann!”  It was one of the Moxie Recipe Contest judges!  We chatted as much as a pedestrian and a runner can chat, given the physics of walking and running.  As he ran off, I stopped and briefly chatted with Mr. Jim, one of my Davis Street neighbors.  He was pruning his raspberry patch, a perfect activity for the bright Maine day we were having.  I didn’t know there were yellow raspberries, did you?

I walked on and the pastor of the Lisbon United Methodist pedaled past me.  I don’t know him personally, but his passionate little congregation loves him and every time I attend an event at his church, I’m impressed by the joy in the building.  So I waved and said “hello.”

It was like a scene from Mitford.

In the back of my mind, though, was an opinion post I’d read by serial entrepreneur Gary Vaynerchuk.  It was called “Stop complaining, you’re annoying me.”  You can read it here.

Vaynerchuk, known to his fans as “Gary Vee” is fascinating and energetic and I don’t know if I like him or not.  Intellectually, I agree that complaining has little value, but are we really in control of everything?  I had zip control of Ben Bernanke when he was chairman of the Federal Reserve and zero control over his successor, Janet Yellen.

I’m not complaining.

Taking a few of my paper Federal Reserve notes, I bought a loaf of local artisanal bread the other day.  It looked dang good and I was thinking of toasting a slice and loading it up with fresh, local butter.  The sample I tried tasted good, soft and warm from the oven.

Bad BreadAnd yet…when I got home and sliced it…it was not so good.  In fact, it was hard and rubbery.  Yeast is a magical thing, not always gentle to flour.

I’m not complaining.  I cut it up, soaked it in buttermilk and Moxie and made a bread pudding out of it.

Transformed BreadI’m not going to complain about my condemned furnace, either.  Thanks to Ben Bernanke and Janet Yellen, it’s better to spend money than to save it.  I even spent a little extra on a new oil tank, too.

I hired a couple of Uncle Bob’s buddies from his career in the oil business and they hung out in the basement for two days, laughing and listening to oldies on their boom box while they installed my new furnace and oil tank.  I could hear them laughing and singing while I sat in my office staring at my computer.

The best part of the day was the furnace “trial run.”

“Open up the windows, Julie, we’re going to start it up.  There might be a little smoke.”

There was a bang and a whoosh and a whir and suddenly, smoke came blasting out of my heating vents.  It was comical, actually, and I realized how high my ceilings were when I had to get up on a chair to turn off the smoke alarms.

But I’m not complaining.

In fact, everything is perfectly lovely.

In the event anyone else wants to complain about anything today, come sit next to me and I’ll listen to you.  I might get annoyed if it happens over and over, but I wouldn’t hurt your feelings by telling you that.  I might suggest, gently, that it was ok to be frustrated and sometimes life isn’t easy.  I believe in transformations of all types and maybe your complaint over coffee today will be just what you need to move forward to action.  Thank you to everyone who’s ever listened to my complaints.

Oh…and thank you, Gary Vee, for leading me to a reminder of one of my favorite Bible verses.

“For let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.”

I certainly cannot complain about that.

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I Save Most Things

I could not save this oil tank.

Damned Oil TankNor the furnace.  I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.

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I Save Things

Yesterday, I watched a video by a gentleman named Gary Vaynerchuk.  He was one of the judges in the recent Miss America pageant.  He’s also an entrepreneur and has monetized his personality and his passion into a successful social media branding empire.  You can read about him here.  You can watch his 2008 TED talk here about doing what you love.  (Some bleeping bad language.)

I’m not Gary Vee.  I’ll never be Gary Vee.  I follow him on Twitter and when I read his tweets, I blurt out some bleeping bad language.  I don’t understand everything he says, probably because I don’t have a Tee Vee.  I don’t know if I agree with his statement that “legacy is greater than currency.”

Except that Gary Vee works really hard and he hustles.  I love that.

I’ve been writing this blog now since February of 2012.  I don’t look at my stats, but I’m not changing the world with my words.  That’s ok.  It’s been my discipline in writing a first-person narrative.  I’ve told a few stories and I’ve tried to honor other people in doing so.

I love writing.

I also love saving things and there are several things in my life I want to save.  Not for me exclusively.  Maybe that will be my legacy; I don’t know.  But I need to hustle and be about this business.  Give it the old college try; not wake up one day thinking I didn’t give it my best.

All these words to say I’m changing my blogging schedule.  I’ll write words on Mondays and Fridays and feature my “Minimalist” picture on Thursdays.

And yes, I did just walk out into my backyard and tell a deer to “get the bleep out of here.”

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