The Team of Troublemakers

Herman the German (my father) and Uncle Bob (his brother) have an interesting relationship.  My father is four years older; Uncle Bob is “the baby.”  My grandparents kept a cow until “the baby” went to high school and I can still see the place where the cow stall had been in the barn.

They’re not alike, the last of that generation of Baumer Boys.  My father is passionate about many things that Uncle Bob doesn’t give two BLEEPS about; Uncle Bob has interests in which my father feigns little curiosity.

In the last few years, Uncle Bob will often ask me “where’s your father?  I haven’t seen him all week.”  When I get to my parent’s house, I’ll ask why he hasn’t been over to Uncle Bob’s.  My father will say “I was just there yesterday!”

Of course, my father is eighty AND he has a long daily list of chores and errands composed by my mother, Queen Helene.  Her work comes first.  Maybe Uncle Bob doesn’t understand the length and complexity of the Queen’s commands.  Uncle Bob is very social and spends some of the day making his rounds about town.  Maybe Herman stops by and Uncle Bob isn’t there.

Nevertheless, there are certain things Herman the German and Uncle Bob do very well together.  They are great at hoisting chain saws, cutting down trees, and doing just about any kind of work that requires a team effort.  If they both were just a few years younger, I’m sure my father could catch a few innings for Uncle Bob, too.  They’re a pretty good team when work needs to get done.

This weekend, some friends from New Hampshire visited me in Maine; I gave them a tour of the places that had previously only existed on this blog for them.  We had lunch at Chummy’s Mid-Town Diner, I pointed out the Dairy Maid, we beeped at Faye’s Barber Shop, we drove by Holy Family Church, and the old Worumbo mill.  We visited both my Redemption and Surprise gardens.

No tour of my town would be complete without a glance upon the old high school.  Then it’s a right and a left and a right and a left and we’re at Uncle Bob’s.

I was embarrassed to show them around the barren garden and even more embarrassed that my little spot had been all pulled up, including some mixed greens and some Calendula from which I hoped to save the seeds.  The whole spot had been neatly roto-tilled and I could see a footprint of a certain size.

Uncle Bob had taken matters into his hands and finished off my garden, mixed greens and all.  He was nowhere to be found, either.

The final stop on our tour was my parent’s house; Herman and Helen were sitting out in the backyard like they often do on pleasant early autumn afternoons.  Introductions were made and then I told my parents how Uncle Bob had finished off my lettuce.  My mother said “well, you have to tell him if you don’t want him to pull things up.”

Then my father chimed in and said “the flowers were dead, though.”

“Were you in on it too?” I asked.

He sheepishly admitted that he had been over to the house just yesterday, helping Uncle Bob complete the desecration of my garden spot.  It’s hard to be mad at my father; there is a charming and innocent quality to him at times.  He’s no farmer.  How could he know?

Besides, he and Uncle Bob were hanging out and my father got a break from Helen’s list.  I had hoped to get one more week of lettuce out of the garden, but it just wasn’t meant to be.

Those two Baumer Boys.  I’ve got to watch them like a hawk.

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Not a Honey Boo Boo

I didn’t have very good luck growing melons this year, but this one was delicious.

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Honeydew do grow in Maine.

Ayuh.

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The Cake Topper

I’ve been sorting through some old papers and albums for a few weeks.  On Labor Day, I sifted through two boxes of photographs and ephemera.  Back in “those days” cameras and photography were different; the likelihood of a poor picture was much greater, evidenced by the multitude of blurry ones I threw out.

It was late afternoon.

A nap would have been good, but I found a half-filled album from my wedding in 1995.  There were pictures and cards and the “Just Married” sign my friend Shelley made.  Looking at the date on a card, I realized eighteen years to the day had passed since I got married.

It was a “non-traditional” wedding.  A small group of friends gathered at my fiancé’s camp in Avon, Maine.  We drove over to Weld and started hiking up Little Jackson, on the other side of Tumbledown Mountain.  It was a day for hiking.  When we got to a scenic vista nestled in the boulders and scrub pines, someone read a few poems and Shelley’s sister, a lawyer, married us.  Then we hiked down the mountain with the “Just Married” sign and some Budweiser cans on my husband’s knapsack.

We had a barbecue, a bonfire, and a delicious wedding cake with a traditional bride and groom on the top.

What does one do with these things?  Write a story?  A blog post?

How does one write about the pain of regret, immaturity, and dreams that were never meant to be?  Does writing about it in public make it less sacred?  Only in very long retrospect do I see how little I thought about the consequences of my actions.  I’m glad I’ve learned things in the years since my divorce, but I always wonder if there could have been a less painful path for everyone if different decisions were made long ago.

There’s an old adage Libertarians like to use, something about “your right to swing your arms around ends where my nose begins” and I’ve thought long and hard about these words in the last decade or so.  When I was young and foolish, they wouldn’t have made sense to me.  I was a free woman and I could do what I liked.  Is that your nose?  Too bad.

I see things differently now, most of the time.  Not perfectly, but I can see value to learning where my literal and figurative arms end.  Some days it just means I don’t flip the bird to the person who cuts me off in traffic.  If I had understood this idea in 1995, I might have thought “well, I want to get married, but I’m not sure I want to stay married to this person, so maybe the best course of action is to not get married.  Then I won’t punch this kind man in the nose.”

I swung my arms to and fro.  What nose?

Life is complicated and messy; whoever told us it wouldn’t be this way was wrong.  Marriage and divorce is funny and exciting on reality Tee Vee shows, but in real life it’s sad and painful.  I’ll spare my readers the clichés and quotations about regret.  That’s not my shtick.  I’m just telling stories.

Speaking of which, remind me to tell you about the time I worked at a bridal boutique when I first moved to the Seacoast.  Until then, I’m putting my small pile of wedding mementos in a small box with the cake topper.

I’ll hang the framed photograph of Tumbledown Mountain in my new “Coop” to remember that life’s beauty is out there somewhere.

It’s a lot easier to see it when I’m not swinging my arms around haphazardly.

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Tiny Kale

I was experimenting with kale seeds and some potting soil one day in early August.

KaleIt worked.

Send in the Mums.

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Vines Around My Heart

Here in New England, everything green and growing is now ripe and rotting. While Wednesday has always been “Tiny Steps Gardening Day” there hasn’t been much to report. The garlic has been pulled, sunflowers are toppling over, and lone green tomatoes are hanging on for every diminishing day of sunshine.

We’re turning off the water at the Hampton Victory Garden.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Hillsborough County, Florida, Reggie Black’s vines are growing. As Reggie reminds me:

First they sleep
Then they creep
Then they leap

When Reggie first relocated to Zone 9, he spent some time observing the green scene. Then he began digging and planting and planning. Remember? Some things didn’t work out, like his kibbled tomatoes. But the vines were successful, and according to Reggie, he’s got some “serious leapers” right now. Cobbled together from Reggie’s e-mails and pictures, I’ll let him speak for himself.

“Vines grow everywhere in Florida seeking every niche they can find. The natives take over, quickly, if allowed. Frustrated with cultivated vines, I let this native vine that reached the lattice just keep growing. Without watering, feeding or any other care it quickly reached the top and stretched itself out. It hasn’t flowered yet, and has already climbed up to the second floor.”

“This Blackeyed Susan vine was the only survivor of the seeds I started. When I planted it at the base of this pillar, it wasn’t much to look at. And then it leaped!”

“I was fascinated at how it split itself into three vertical trunks, roughly equidistant apart. A newer fourth branch is visible in this picture, with nowhere to go but up the same path.”

“I bought this one at the store. It grew quickly and thickly up the lattice with an occasional blossom, but then it nearly drowned (I drilled holes in its pot to drain it), and then it cooked in the oppressive Florida heat. It all died away except for one branch, barely visible over the weeds. I fed it, weeded it, kept it watered, and it has returned with a handful of blossoms in exchange for just a few degrees drop in temperature. In the background a new vine has extended itself and started to reclaim the lattice.”

I know Reggie felt like quitting at times during the oppressive Zone 9 heat and humidity. For his patient waiting, beauty is his reward.

I didn’t know how to counsel and encourage him during his darkest days, so I just listened to his rambling tales of tropical plant life. I’m glad it all worked out; he’ll have more to tell us as he starts planting his fall crops.

He’s got a few things to say about coffee, too!

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Sock Puppet

Uncle Bob and I don’t have many things in common; sure, we like digging around in the garden and we like spending time on The Farm, but we are different in our approach to life.  Uncle Bob is “laid back” and I am not.  He’s interested in practical things; I’m interested in beautiful things.

Yesterday, I went over to The Farm to check on the Trumpet Vine I planted along the fence.  Uncle Bob was there too, getting ready to mow the path to the barn and beyond.

He was about 100 yards from me so we just waved to each other.  Then I got my clippers out of The Jeep and started clipping around my vine.  It was perfectly logical and practical.  If I keep the area around the vine clipped, there is no way he will “accidentally” mow it down on the day he mows the path along the fence.

I swear I heard him say “what the HELL is she doing?”

Although Uncle Bob and I see the world in different ways, there’s one thing we have in common.  We don’t throw out much.  In fact, the other day I asked Uncle Bob about a tool I needed and he reminded me where to find it and then said, “I don’t throw anything out.”

Some things that don’t get thrown out are easy to repurpose.  There are other things, though, that pile up over time.  Like that pair of Spanx high-waisted nylons with the run in the right leg.  The control-top section is just fine and the darn things cost an arm and a leg, no pun intended.  What am I going to do with them?  Then there are all fifty of the tee-shirts in my tee-shirt drawer.  Some of them are for causes and bands I don’t care about anymore.  Can these be responsibly repurposed?

What about old socks, the ones with a hole in the heel or with no elasticity?

Oh happy day!  Old socks are the easiest things to repurpose and there are other bloggers who have written posts about it.  Search and see.  Some of the forty or so things suggested are absurd, like “make a sock patchwork quilt.”  Others are practically beautiful in their ingenuity, like “use them for dusting” and “use them to wash and wax the car.”

I won’t belabor the lists; I’ll only add “use them to wash just about anything in the house, even the dishes.”  They’re not glamorous, sexy, and overpriced, like an old pair of Spanx, but I’ll never need to buy another dusting or cleaning cloth again.  The little hole in the heel doesn’t matter when I’m dusting furniture or washing windows.

I think I’ll get my sock on right now. 

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A Few More Sacred Flowers

Time is running out for beautiful flowers here in New England. A different beauty will replace this.

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Enjoy this beautiful day.

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Twerk My Fire

A note from the blog “hostess:”
Today’s blog is a “guest post” by Reggie Black.  Reggie, after conducting extensive genealogical research, discovered he’s descended from the Livingstone clan.  I suggested he hyphenate; he flatly refused.

Even without a hyphen, Reggie Black Livingstone doesn’t miss much news; he’s able to sift and sort information and process it quickly.  He’s practically an anaerobic news digester!   I can’t keep up with him (what is this “twerking” thing?) and some of the stories he sends me don’t even seem real.  Following is his response to the recent viral story of a young woman who twerked herself on fire.    Enjoy–Julie-Ann

I’m a pretty cynical guy.  Not much surprises me.  A lot of “been there, done that, washed the car with the tee-shirt.”  I expect the worst from people, and am rarely disappointed.

So I sent our hostess a little GIF picture derived from a YouTube video that became instantly popular (viral, they call it, a telling metaphor for social media).  A young woman listening to patently offensive music tries to shake her butt in a grotesque fashion in front of a camera while standing on her head.  A bottle of liquor, shot glasses and candles are visible on the table in the foreground.  Her roommate enters, knocking the woman over.  Crashing through the glass table, the alcohol and open flame mix on her yoga pants, and the video ends with her backing up, on fire, into the center of the camera’s field of view.

I sent it because, in words I proudly steal from gun-toting Republican lesbian Florence King, I will not suffer fools gladly, but I will gladly watch fools suffer.  Thanks to the wonders of modern social media, a lot of fools are captured suffering.  I gladly watch them, and send our hostess those I deem the most enjoyable. Well, not all of them.  Our hostess has sensitivities I try not to inflame.  For example, the practice of women shaking their posteriors in public (whether on fire or not) was just too much like the practice of primates presenting.

Our hostess asked me to not send any more of those, thank you.

I discovered the day after that the whole thing was an elaborate hoax perpetrated by the ne’er-do-well Jimmy Kimmel.  The woman on fire is actually a stunt woman.  Go look it up yourself, it’s not hard to find.

From the beginning, I questioned whether this was a stunt.  To me, the biggest giveaway is that she completely made a fool of herself, and then posted it on line.  A normal person would have, after extinguishing the flames, buried the yoga pants and otherwise eliminated all the evidence.

But the viral vectors of our social media are full of people making a mockery of this criteria.  Idiot after fool after knucklehead not only films himself being a moron–with no witnesses!!–but then posts online the proof of his idiocy, incompetence and knuckleheadedness.  And they are not even getting paid for it.

To which our hostess posed this question to me:  if this little video shows how easy it is to fool so many of us, why are so many people so sure of themselves that they get angry when shown the great frauds of our time?

Here are just a few fraudulent examples:

  • tens of millions of property titles clouded by a taxpayer-funded financial fraud worth trillions,
  • the near worthlessness of the baccalaureate degree and the way college itself has become an industry built around stealing borrowed money from students,
  • the slow-burning theft of inflation, and
  • the Federal Reserve Bank creation that made our current dollar worth less than one cent was in 1913, the year the Federal Reserve Bank was created?

Not to mention that the Federal Reserve Bank is neither Federal, nor a Reserve, nor a Bank.

Things like this don’t go over well in general discussion.  People would rather discuss women shaking their butts in public, as if blatant exhibitionism to boost failing record sales actually matters.

Me, I chalk it up low expectations.  I expect the worst, and am rarely disappointed.  Our hostess, however, has higher expectations.  We would all be better off if hers were met and not mine, but I know where I’m placing my bet.

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Hamburger Bel Air

I’m glad I didn’t have to stage a hunger strike to get some carpentry work done at my condominium.

I wonder if that’s grass-fed beef?

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The Ancient Rule of Neighborliness

The other day, my brother and I were having an e-mail dialogue about enduring local communities.  We discuss this all the time.  One of the e-mails he sent me ended with the following quote by Wendell Berry about the resurrection of local communities:

“But to be authentic, a true encouragement and a true beginning, this would have to be a resurrection accomplished mainly by the community itself.  It would have to be done, not from the outside by the instruction of visiting experts, but from the inside by the ancient rule of neighborliness, by the love of precious things, and by the wish to be at home.”

These two sentences, from Mr. Berry’s 1988 Iowa Humanities lecture, affected me and I wanted to read them in their greater context.  I found the lecture in full here and I copied it into a document I printed.  I read it twice and found myself shaking my head and underlining sentence after sentence.  Of course, for a woman who loves precious things like acorns, old tools, and all the things Uncle Bob has never thrown away, this lecture made sense to me.  Wendell Berry has a very gentle way to telling the ugly truth about where we are at this moment in time and history.

I also have a wish to be at home and this very well may be the reason I started writing this blog.

In the next few weeks and months, I want to write more about the alienation of modern life and my driving desire to be at home.  I think it would be instructive and helpful if all my blog readers were versed in Wendell Berry’s lecture.  By printing it off, readers can read it one bite at a time.  Chew on things, underline things, and question things.  A few people might consider discussing it with each other.  Why, I might make Eldena Jones Apple Dibble Dabble and invite a few of my friends over for a salon.

Meanwhile, back here at The Coop…

Some of my friends know I am selling my seaside condominium.  Selling real estate is an interesting project; it’s important that the buyer and seller agree to certain terms which are generally outlined in long, voluminous documents created by attorneys, bankers, and real estate professionals.  Sometimes, these arrangements are accomplished outside of this realm.  This is called a “private sale.”  When I was married and lived in Portland, Maine, my husband and I bought a house this way, from a kind Italian couple we loved very much.  Someday I will write a story about our lovely little home on Oakley Street.

The sale of The Coop has been gentle, like the purchase of the Oakley Street house.  I’m very grateful to have met another kind couple who like my little condo.  Not everyone, however, wants to have closets without doors.  I don’t know exactly why I removed all the closet doors so many years ago; I guess I liked to gaze upon my clothing when I woke up in the morning.

Silly idols.

I agreed to replace the doors because I could understand that this particular affectation was unique to me and installing a few closet doors was the least I could do to make The Coop a pleasant place to live for people who did not want to look at their clothing and shoes every time they wanted rest.

I’m not going to write a long and boring diatribe about the difficulties of finding a carpenter in New England in the glorious months before November rains fall.  Everyone is out straight.  Endless phone calls, visits to lumber yards and job sites, Facebook pleas, and crossed fingers resulted in nothing.

I entertained the notion of a hunger strike until the closet doors were hung.  Tomorrow’s “Minimalist” photo is the one I planned to use to promote my hunger strike on social media.

I was desperate.

Then, the clouds lifted and I remembered my friend Caleb from the Victory Garden.  I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of him before; he’s a talented carpenter and a good friend.  I sent him a message at 6:22 a.m. on Monday morning.  He arrived at The Coop twenty-four hours later.

When I got back from a Moxie Committee meeting at home last night, all three closet doors were hung and they look stylish and neat.  The Coop really doesn’t look like The Coop any more.  I think I’ll stop calling it that.  It’s starting to look like a place someone else is going to make into their own place of peace.

I’m not very good at hunger strikes, either.  Thanks, Caleb, for demonstrating the ancient rule of neighborliness and helping me out.

Peace!

Posted in Experiments and Challenges | Tagged , , , , , | 6 Comments